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Unimaginable Love

September 25, 2010

This morning I woke very early and Luca was my companion. For most of it, we sat in the big, squashy chair in the living room. He sat on my lap, his head nestled on my breast with his thumb in his mouth and his blankie. This continued for around forty minutes.

Luca at birth.

There was always something different about my Luca. My pregnancy, til the end and in the very beginning, at least, was far easier than with my Katherine. I was able to work until the end, wear four inch heels to Christmas parties. I looked hot!

But that isn’t the beginning of my special kinship with my Luca. In my womb, I could feel things about him that I wasn’t able to with Kat- maybe because I wasn’t terrified out of my mind at the thought of being my mother. He was calm, introspective and serious, even in vitro. He kicked with efficiency- there were no wasted kicks. It was as though he wanted to make sure I knew he was there- to remind me that he would be my son. I said to everyone around me, “This child is serious, he’s calm and introspective and my sensitive child.”

And he was. He is.

I can’t even describe this unimaginable love I have for my son. I hope the parents out there will understand what I mean. Those of you without children, I can only tell you that no matter how unfit you think you will be as a parent (as I thought I would be) the unimaginable love is all you need to succeed.

A note to Luca:

My Little Love,
Right now you are doing some really wonderful things. I’ll tell you five of them:
1. You’re so much better at physical coordination than even your sister, who’s a year older than you. You have the idea of a spoon and fork down just right, you color very well, can throw things very far and love to kick balls. You are also stubbornly left-handed. I try to put things in your right and you just look at me like, ‘what the ef, mom?’ and transfer it to your left.
2. You like to play pretend eating with your sister. You play so well with her, although she’s a little bossy.
3. You’re in a biting phase. The ladies at daycare have been so good about it, but I feel like throttling you sometimes when you bite!
4. You love your blankets. It doesn’t have to be one specific blanket, merely one that is crocheted and has holes you can twine your little fingers through. You won’t sleep without something to hold on to.
5. I look at you every day and marvel at the miracle you are. I had and carried you only by chance and the wonders of modern medicine. When you were born, you were eight weeks early and jaundiced, but a big, chubby baby. That in itself is a miracle. You are a miracle.

I love you more every day, and will continue to until the day I die.

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